During our final retreat, the
out-going volunteers were invited to participate in an activity in which we had
to try to give a condensed (5 minute) version of our experience. Returning home
will obviously be a challenge in that any attempt to really describe ones
experience never quite feels like it really captures or does justice to it.
How, after all, can you explain to someone the feelings, the challenges, the
joys, etc. that occurred over the course of two years? Well, here is my attempt
to capture some of those things...it was a challenge indeed to not feel like in
condensing my story I was also minimizing my experience or the people who made
it what it has been. Instead, I hope that in my words I can honor them and
somehow communicate the ways in which I´ve been moved and inspired.
My Story- The Campbell’s Soup Version (get
it...condensed hehe)
I don´t know why, but as I prepared to leave for Peru,
in the days just prior to my departure, I’d spontaneously break into tears. I’m
not sure what it was. I’d been away from family and friends before, and I’d spent
time in other countries. I felt ready, but the tears came nevertheless. I
suppose I had some idea that the person I was when I left would not be the
person I would be again, and that can be a little scary, yet I knew that was
what I ultimately longed for.
I felt attracted to JVC for a number of reasons. I
felt that I could really identify with the core values of the program. I came
into it with certain expectations about what those would look like and I think
many of my initial struggles were based on those unfulfilled expectations. I
think much of my first year was spent coming to terms with how my expectations
didn´t quite align with reality, and trying not to make comparisons with other current
and past volunteers. Once I moved beyond what this "should" look
like, I was able to sort of just be okay with what it actually does look like.
My job, as an English teacher and co-tutora both these
years, has challenged me professionally, emotionally, physically and brought
out both the worst and the best sides of me. I hate not being able to do
something easily and well. I used to pride myself so much on my ability to do
things well, so when that was brought into question, I doubted myself as a
person. I came here professing a certain level of apostolic availability, but
while that sounds nice, putting it into practice has tried me. I realized early
on that teaching wasn’t my vocation. I listened to other teachers describe what
they did and I knew that that was their passion and that it wasn’t mine. The
question then became, how could I be here at Miguel Pro, make the most of it,
do my best and enjoy it, when it just wasn´t my thing.
I realized that the time I spent outside of the
classroom with my students is what brought me the most joy- the camping trips,
playing at recess, and the conversations- both silly and serious. My time on
Mes de Misión has been especially formative and key in sharing with the
students and forming a community with them. By far, some of the most rewarding
moments as a teacher were experienced during those months of service. I´ve
learned to try to cherish the small moments, laugh at the funny ones, and learn
from the challenges and failures.
My focusing on relationships was something that has
been a defining aspect of my time in Peru. I often used to (and sometimes still
do) push people to the side. I´d focus on doing the work and the tasks, and
less on the person in front of me. I don´t always do this perfectly and in fact
many times still fail miserably, but I´ve learned to value quality time and
personal relationships, to put myself aside and focus on the other person, to
listen with my whole self, to be more present.
I´ve also learned the importance of hospitality. I´ve
been welcomed in, with open arms, by so many people. With no questions asked,
just trust, care and love, they have let me into their hearts and homes. I´ve
been humbled by these acts of hospitality. It has reminded me that this is a
process of mutuality, a symbiotic relationship in which one is not greater or
lesser, but equals- both learning and growing because of, and with, the other.
I have so many vivid memories in which I was not a
bystander, but an active participant in this culture- dancing saya in the
parade, learning Spanish, enjoying the Peruvian food, etc., but when I really
stop to think about it, some of the best memories I have are from the privilege
of being let in and even invited into the daily experiences, struggles, and joys
of both the volunteer and Peruvian communities. From accompanying people in the
most ordinary of moments- going to buy bread with my host sister, sharing a cup of tea
with neighbors and friends, to the extraordinary- helping a father look for his
son that ran away, being with a friend as he grieved the death of his mother,
going to the cemetery to mourn the loss of a friends´ son. These moments, in
many ways, stretched beyond the chasms of culture that supposedly divide us,
but got at the core of who we are. These were moments when it wasn’t just my
"experience", but my lived
experience, when we were able
to share in the raw emotions of joy and sorrow and everything in between; the
type of intimate relationships that gets down to the basics of being human.
These moments and these people I will miss dearly.
When I think about ending my time, I recognize that
there are aspects of the Peruvian culture that I won´t miss, injustices that I
never got used to witnessing- the stories of abandonment, abuse, corruption,
etc. I won´t miss the lack of organization, the stress of teaching and how long
it takes to do the simplest tasks, but this list is outweighed by the things I will miss- the people above all, the
sense of hospitality, openness, a more laid-back and flexible way of life, my
simpler existence here and the joy of Peruvians that I often associate with
music, food, and drinks. I will miss deeply my volunteer community, the
individuals who accompanied me on this journey, who served as my support group,
my shoulders to cry on, a reminder about the important things; people who made me
laugh- individuals that I could always be myself around and that have served as
daily inspiration.
Now, as I prepare myself to leave, I have found myself
once again spontaneously bursting into tears. I know that my initial fear and
hope has come true- I am not the same person I once was. How could I be? How,
now as I go back, can I be this new person in an old yet also new place? I have
grown in my understanding of what is truly important. I have both my Peruvian
and volunteer community to thank for that. I just hope and pray that the
lessons I´ve learned are things that I will carry with me forever. I know that
I will remember always the people here, their rich culture and history, their
hard work, warmth, humility, faith, and trust. I hope I can carry with me the
memories, the stories of these people, and be able to honor them by not just
holding them in my mind and heart, but in the way I reciprocate that love and
care that sustained me in these two years.
